Making the decision to move? How to help your parents
Are you one of the many children with parents over 65 who are battling to get them to downsize and make the decision to move into a retirement village? Well, you aren’t alone! While the younger members of the over 65’s are less likely to push back at the suggestion, those over 75 come from the generation that looks suspiciously at retirement villages as places you go to die.
Notwithstanding the many adverts for retirement villages that highlight the benefits of staying there, most folk can’t get their heads – and hearts – around the idea that this will be the last place where they live. For many, it’s an emotional step they aren’t willing to make.
Don’t leave making the decision to move too late
Unfortunately, they often move when they are no longer able to live alone, which can be too late. If you make the decision to move to a village when you are physically frail it is much more difficult to make friends and enjoy the benefits of village life.
Those who made the move in their early 60s will tell you that it was the best decision they made. They have built an extensive friendship in the village and if their health deteriorates and they have to move into the frail-care facility, their friends are still around to come and visit them and make the transition a little easier.
Convince without alienating
We realise that you, as the child, know all of this, but how do you convince your parent(s) to make the move? And how do you do so without ruining your relationship with them?
You will need to dispel the negative ideas about moving into a retirement village while emphasizing the positive aspects. Your best option is to speak to friends and family who are happily part of a retirement village and ask them to speak to your parents. Let them be your ‘influencers’ with your parent(s). Any marketer will tell you that a personal recommendation is the best form of selling.
If your parents are the first in their circle to make the decision to move, then ask the retirement village to help you to show off their village’s benefits. You will probably have to visit and view many different villages, but persevere; eventually, the idea will become more acceptable to your parents.
Highlight the many benefits of village living
- downsizing from a house that’s too big to manage, to a smaller home that comes with gardeners and handymen;
- lock-up-and-go living that makes travelling so much easier;
- high levels of security;
- for single parents, focus on the benefits of the companionship of neighbours, and
- for frail parents, focus on the benefits of having round-the-clock medical support.
Overcoming fear of making decision to move
You will have to address the non-spoken emotional issues of moving. They will have to give away things that they’ve lived with for years. Find ways of making this less painful. You could take some of the items yourself or pass them on to other family members. You could find ways to sell these items and focus on the benefits of having the extra money. You could also find charities that need the items and explain how these are now being used by a new generation of people who will love them as much as your parents did. Find ways to store the photographs. Maybe show them how to make digital copies? Give them a project to become family historians.
You need to be sensitive to their fear of old age and the possibilities of poor health. These might not be voiced out loud but they will be a concern. Find ways to overcome these fears. Re-enforce the benefits of having onsite support at all times for health-related issues.
If their finances are problematic, sit with them and maybe with someone else who is financially astute, and face the realities of their situation. There is always a solution. It might not be what you all originally thought it would be, but a plan is so much easier to live with than the dread of uncertainty. Your parents need to know that you will always be there for them, no matter what. If you are unable to be there in person, then make clear and simple plans for them that alleviate their fears of being alone
And the most difficult one of all; you will all have to face the inevitability of death. There is no easy way to do this. Help them to sort out their paperwork; wills, investments, medical aid, etc. Be alert to the unspoken and often unconscious fears of their own mortality. No one says, “I’m afraid of dying”, but they do say, “I’ll never live in a retirement village because it’s full of old, sick people.”
Make the unknown known
There are a few ‘oldies’ who can parachute jump and run marathons, but they are the exception to the rule. Most of us just want life to continue as it always has. Change becomes increasingly difficult, as we get older. Change means learning new things, and maybe I’m not clever enough? Change means making new friends, and how do I know they’ll like me? Change means letting go of old familiar items, and what happens if I forget the memories associated with them? Change means getting used to a new way of logging in to the internet, and how long will it take me to get it right? Change means getting to know new shops, and what if they don’t stock my favourite biscuits? Change means finding my way around a new neighbourhood, and what happens if I get lost? Change means changing my doctor, and how will a new doctor know how to treat me? Change means finding a hairdresser that understands my hair, and what happens if they make a mess of it? Change means facing the unknown.
Help your parents to make the unknown, known. Information is powerful. Help them to be informed as this will build up their confidence and ability to face the future. Together you will add a new chapter to your family’s story. Click here for an article that provides the positives of when to move to a retirement community.
But above all else, be the kind of child you hope your own children will be one day to you. Follow us on Facebook for insight into how Clear Path can help you.